I don’t wear a purity ring.
Growing up, all the good girls wore the rings. They showed them off, explained the repetitive meaning behind them, and talked about their vows to wait until marriage. Purity. I’ve sat through countless conversations, conferences, and sermons about standards. Purity. We treat it like an object, sometimes even like a spiritual being. We hold it in high regard. We say the word with an air of profoundness, acting as if we understand it. I became so obsessed with the status of being pure that I completely missed the message about the grace and mercy of Jesus. So when I made my share of mistakes, shame was an intimate companion.
0 Comments
Hey pal,
You're probably on your third emotional breakdown of the past 24 hours. You think you feel too much. Don't worry - it's your hormones and your empathy. The hormones will settle down soon enough and you'll learn to understand empathy over the next few years. Take a walk, learn to jog. That helps with the crying. And the anxiety. And the depression. Yes, those are valid, too. You should probably be open with your parents about it, and stop lying to your therapist. Don't be afraid of your brain. You'll wish you helped it sooner. Your stomach pain has a diagnosis: hunger. Talk to your parents about what's going on in your head - I swear, they understand. And go to the gym. If you're tired of feeling tired and hating your body, learn to take care of it. Your body doesn't like you too much right now, either. Treat it well. Don't stop dancing. I know he wants you to, but please don't. You love it. Keep doing what you love. Please. Go to every concert, every conference, every play. You live for these moments, and you will feel like you're dying when you avoid them for the sake of someone else's affection. You don't want to wear those shorts because you hate your thighs, and you don't want to wear a swimsuit because of all the stretch marks left over from multiple eating disorders. I can't lie to you and say that one day you'll wake up and these thoughts will be gone. But soon you'll start to realize that these are your battle scars, your proof that you fought and won. And that LITERALLY EVERYONE has stretch marks, so you're not some abnormality. And you'll learn to embrace your thighs. Your strong legs will carry you across the Alps one day. Oh, yeah: you'll go on a study abroad. It's pretty cool. Trust your gut more. Don't ignore the red flags, especially with the guys. That manufactured peace you give yourself as a coping mechanism isn't supernatural - it's deceitful. So whenever you see those red flags, run, don't ignore. If not, you'll really regret it and end up in college crying to your freshman year roommate about your trust issues due to some stupid ex-boyfriend. But I know you "know" you're right about all this right now. So I will leave you with this: One day, those words she spoke over you won't hold power. The insult he threw at you won't sting. You'll be able to walk into a room without having a panic attack, and will be able to go grocery shopping on your own. You'll learn that you love glitter as much as you love Star Wars, ripped jeans, and dark lipstick. You'll realize that you really do love Nicholas Sparks movies, and will watch The Notebook on a monthly basis. You favorite thing in the world will be peanut butter, and Cook Out will replace Taco Bell as your favorite restaurant. You'll slowly begin to forget about him, and you won't be afraid of trust anymore. You'll fall in love with life itself, and realize that love is not confined to a romantic relationship. You'll have incredible roommates, friends, coworkers, and family. Oh yeah, and call your grandpa. He loves you, and you need to stop being a pointlessly rebellious, angsty teen towards him. And one day, you will want to talk to your mom every single day, and you'll miss having someone check up on how you're doing. You'll start house hunting with your best friends, learn to cook all kinds of wonderful things with your limited college-budget pantry, go on road trips, be comfortable behind and in front of a camera, and take every opportunity to go on an adventure. You'll also learn that The Office is the best form of therapy and that Ann Perkins is your real self. You'll accept that you love the color black, as well as pink. You'll even start to paint your nails. You'll be an RA, collect hilarious stories, and discover that your love language is gift giving and letter writing. You will love so many people, and find fulfillment in bringing joy to others. Hang in there, kid. It feels like now is all you will ever know, but I promise the best is yet to come. I sat down with my prayer journal tonight and began to write. I normally don’t like sharing these quiet moments with anyone other than Jesus, but tonight is different. Tonight I was burdened so heavily with a simple message that I cannot just keep it on a piece of paper in a journal only I read.
First, let’s establish some background:
I love non-instrumental music. I love instrumental music. I believe each are gifts and have a time and place. I am a musician. I write songs. I write worship songs. I have led worship. I have been in a worship band. I have gone to both mega churches and small churches. I have witnessed many different types of worship. I have Christian friends. I have non-Christian friends. Ok, on to the rest of what I want to say. I'm writing this instead of writing one of the 5 essays on my agenda (study break?).
I am 8 days from completing my second year of college, and my first year living in Tennessee. To say I am sentimental would be an understatement. I honestly did not think I would make it a full year. I figured between living in a dorm filled with girls and mental health issues, I would go home after my first semester away, or just finish the year and keep going to my community college back home. However, as I sit here in my dorm room listening to the shrieks resulting from another random prank war occurring on the hall, I am blissfully content. This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I suppose now is more appropriate timing than ever to share a bit of my story that up until recently has been kept as a secret due to the shame I did not want to face. I finally decided to break my silence last fall. I was looking in the mirror one day and I saw how thin I had become. My friends said I looked great, but I knew that my newfound leanness was not representative of my muscular body type. I could see my ribs beginning to appear and my hip bones being prominent where they used to be hidden. My clothes began to hang off of me more than they used to. But the scariest part of all was that I forgotten what hunger felt like. I was so used to that gnawing feeling that when it went away after I ate something, my brain was convinced I had made a mistake. The only food I ever ate was salad or fries, and I could tell that it was taking a toll on me. I was always dizzy, had trouble concentrating while walking and driving, my skin coloring would come and go, and I was always cold. I was wearing sweatpants in the August heat of Tennessee. I told my roommate and a friend from back home, because I realized that if I continued to go down this path I could endanger myself more than I already had. They were loving and understanding, and immediately expressed support for me and gave me the affirmation I needed. I went the next day to the counseling center at my school, and was assigned a therapist. For several months, I kept track of everything I ate and had to report it to my therapist. Instead of starving myself, I instead was helped in making new habits: to eat healthier and workout regularly. As I watched my skeleton disappear under muscle and natural body fat, I remember for the first time looking in the mirror and going, “Girl, you look freaking great.” Here’s the thing about eating disorders: they warp how you see yourself, then give you a “solution” that involves a destructive habit. In my case, it was starvation. For others, it’s eating an excessive amount, purging things that have been eaten, or a hyper-focus on what can/cannot be eaten. Eating disorders have the power to completely destroy a person, their life, and those around them. They take away everything but convince you that you’re totally fine. Thankfully, I finally swallowed my pride and fear and acknowledged to myself that I was far from fine. I was far from OK. I was far from stable. Today, about 5 months from the day I decided to fight, I can tell you that I am OK. Yes, I still have days where my old habits attempt to resurface. I have days where I so desperately want to insult myself when I look in the mirror. But I have decided that I will never again allow an ED to control me. I have full power over the words I speak over myself, the habits I form, and the way I eat. If you are struggling, know this: you have full control. It feels like you’re out of control, spiraling into a dark void, but that is just another lie the ED will tell you. You have the full ability to take a hold of your life. It is not easy. In fact, it feels like hell and some days I want to stop fighting, because the fight is sometimes more exhausting than starvation. But learning to accept my body and see myself in a healthy way has boosted my confidence, my academic performance, my relational skills, and my mental health. The fight has led to a place of freedom, and once you have tasted freedom, you never want to return to the chains. So, today: I tell myself every day that I am beautiful. I try to eat three meals a day, one of which must be loaded with nutrition. I avoid binging or other ED-related habits. I surround myself with people who speak life and do not dwell on their insecurities. I refuse to sit around and hate on myself. I refuse to listen to any voice that tells me I am not good enough. I refuse to see myself through what I perceive others to see. I refuse to let rejection define my self-image. I never step on a scale or measure my waistline. I eat good food. I work out. I go on hikes. I lay in bed watching Netflix and eating popcorn. I curl up in my Eno and read a book. I live. Reading back over that first sentence I wrote, it saddens me that I included the word “shame.” Shame. That is the reason I refused to admit that I struggled with an eating disorder until last fall.
Don’t be afraid to tell someone that you are struggling. They can help you more than you realize, and more often than not, you will receive support in your fight instead of condemnation. Don’t let your fear of others’ reactions keep you from recovery. Your life is worth more than the confusion of other people. You are worth the help, attention, and fight. You’re beautiful and you deserve to be treated well and to treat yourself well. Seek help. Seek support. If that’s a counselor, an accountability partner, or rehab, don’t be afraid to reach out. ED Helpline: 1-800-931-2237 Resources: nationaleatingdisorders.org Organizations that helped me: NEDA To Write Love on Her Arms So Worth Loving Free and Above My heart is breaking right now, as my country is currently being tossed around by waves of confusion and chaos. We are not being bombed by a terrorist organization or panicking over the risk of a violent neighboring country. For this I am extremely thankful. America is facing an entirely different threat. We as a nation have forgotten to be human, to have compassion, to have a righteous sense of justice. We have begun to think it is ok to argue whether the police or the criminal were truly the one at fault instead of searching deep within ourselves and our culture to find the true underlying problem. This past semester, I had the wonderful opportunity to sit in a sociology class made up of students from all different races, ethnicity, backgrounds, and religions. Every week, I was able to learn about the different subcultures which make up the beautiful United States of America. Not all stories were good, but not all were bad. I was able to gain a perspective that I had never had before. I heard stories of perfectly respectable women being searched by police simply on the premise of their race. I also heard stories of police helping these women out of dangerous situations. I heard stories of men being arrested simply on the premise of their race. I also heard stories in which men defended the police because they knew that they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. With that, I want to challenge the core argument in society today. America is not just dealing with racism. America is not just dealing with incidents of murderous corruption within its police force. We as a nation have wandered so far away from the core values of compassion and righteous justice that we continue to circle back to the issues of old. We think that justice is locking up the bad guy, giving people what they demand, and violently protesting when we don’t get what we want. Justice is defending the weak. Justice is the protection of those who cannot protect themselves. Justice is the legal punishment of those who have committed crimes. Justice is not a matter of punishing one side over your personal opinions of who-shot-who. And compassion? Compassion is the beautiful moment when the subjects of race are set aside so that a community can rally together to help one another. Compassion is serving others and looking past their inherent flaws. Compassion is not a matter of protesting for your "side" and only supporting those who fully agree with you. As a nation, we have become so obsessed with division, with differences, with destructive behaviors. We spend our time filling our minds with shows, stories, and songs about break ups, family problems, and addictions. We have get a sickening high off of every tragic event to happen in this nation. Our culture is addicted to conflict. We always have to have sides on an issue. We always require some sort of argument. We do not accept true justice when it is served. Instead we turn it into some form of a rally and bring in the issues of race, sex, and income. We do not accept compassion because we have labeled it as sympathy, something that we as prideful beings refuse to receive. My heart is broken. My heart is broken for the families of the victims. Whether or not those who are shot are guilty of a crime, their families have lost a loved one. My heart breaks for them as they try to mourn, but are bombarded by the media and "political activists." I wish they could have their privacy and could mourn their loved ones, without having to worry about being spat upon. My heart is broken for the families of cops. I cannot imagine the fear that those spouses and children have sending their family member out into this chaotic world. Their job was dangerous before, but now they are once again being punished by society for the sins of a few. My heart is broken for the victims. For those who were guilty, I am so deeply discouraged that they went down the path they did. I wonder what could have been done to keep them on the right track. I wish that they had made better decisions. My heart breaks that they never gave themselves the chance to live the life that they could have. I'm sure that they were truly talented and incredible individuals. For those who were innocent, I am completely devastated. I wish that this had never happened. I wonder what they were going to do with the rest of their day, with the rest of their life. I hope that they left a honorable legacy for their family. I hope that they had lived every day with purpose. My heart is broken for the corrupted. I am disturbed that any human being would be filled with so much hate that they would take the life of another human being. I cannot imagine living that life. They must be miserable. What evil was done to them that they would feel the need to commit such a wretched deed? I pray that they turn from their sin. I also pray that they will be punished fairly. White or black. Race should not count when it comes to justice... I hate that anyone thinks that they can get away with a horrible crime simply because of their race. I wish these men and women did not live in hatred. (When I say the corrupted, I am referring to the corrupted cops as well as the men and women who taken it upon themselves to self-righteously kill cops in the name of equality for their race.) My heart is broken for our nation.
I pray that it returns to the One who created race. I pray it returns to the One who loves the corrupt and the peaceful. I pray it returns to the One who is compassion and the only righteous judge. I pray it returns to the One who knows the hearts of every person involved. So as these horrible events continue to be discussed and argued, take a step back. Think. Do not let anger be what directs your actions. Be compassionate to the hurting. Seek justice for those who have done wrong and those who have been wronged. Do not seek to further your own political agenda. Now is not a time for that. There are many in mourning, many in fear. Be there for them. Encourage them. As America brokenly seeks to figure out what it is doing wrong, pray for clarity. Be a light in this darkness. Have compassion. Pray for justice. I have gone through years of insecurity: years of hating myself, my body, and my mind. The more I opened up about these insecurities, the more I realized how many other human beings struggle with their body image. A majority of the people I know either have or are currently dealing with this. Sometimes we let this idea that we are imperfect control our every action, resulting in all sorts of unhealthy behaviors. Then came 2015, the year of #bopo (body positive) and #effyourbeautystandards. "My, look how far we have come!" exclaimed everyone everywhere. "Screw society! We are free from these ideals!" proclaimed the feminists. "I love me!" stated every other social media user. Pictures filled my news feeds of men and women renouncing the holds of insecurity in their lives... "I love me", they cried. And I believed them. But, alas. What started and was intended as an empowering movement. became an excuse to give up - to give up on a healthy lifestyle, to give up on individuality, to give up on being truly free from insecurity. Right now, you probably want to slap me. I understand. But hear me out: Telling society that they suck isn't what frees you from the lies. Telling all of your followers on social media that you truly do love your cellulite or lack thereof isn't what frees you from the lies. Telling the world that you truly believe you're beautiful isn't what frees you from the lies. "But what about their confidence? It takes true courage to post those things with such honesty!" Heck yeah, it takes courage! But no amount of posting or using "inspirational" hashtags will separate you from an insecurity which you have claimed as your own. No amount of telling yourself that you hate society's standards and see yourself as beautiful will make you feel better. So here's the problem: We think the body God gave to us isn't good enough. In Genesis 1:27, the Bible says, "God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them." NIV See that?? You are created in the image of God Himself, the Creator of the stars, the Creator of you. You are covered in His fingerprint. Once you accept this fact, your road to #bopo will be less of convincing yourself and more of living in freedom. Yes, those online inspiration accounts are awesome. They are some of the first things I see each morning, serving as reminders to the beautiful person I am created to be. My concern for the world is that we will become so consumed with convincing ourselves that we are #unique and spend more time embracing our curves or bones that we forget to bask in the glory of God and His truths about our bodies. Our bodies are a temple. (1 Cor. 6:19) With those truths in mind, I can now tell you: Love the skin you are in. Take care of your body. You are perfect the way you were created. YOU are not insecure. Insecurity is a struggle, not an identity. Love yourself. Rock your height and size. God made you to be you, and your build is part of that. Don't waste time trying to look like someone else. Ignore society's ridiculous and ever-changing beauty standards. Embrace your "imperfections," for they are what make you unique. After all, they aren't really imperfections. You bear the image of God, and He is perfect. Don't believe otherwise. I believe in the power of body positivity. I also know that true confidence in our bodies is achieved when we believe the biblical truths as God's creations. So go rock that "I am beautiful" selfie on Instagram. I'll probably like it and comment some comment like "whatta babe". But when you look in the mirror next, tell yourself this: "I am created by God, in His image. He is perfect, therefore I am beautiful, loved, and accepted. His truths are all I need." Because that's the truth behind body positivity.
God doesn’t want us to stay where we feel good. He calls us to live a life for Him, radically, in every aspect of our lives... I was listening to a mentor of mine the other day as she was telling me about what God has been teaching her. She was expressing how she had become very comfortable at the church she was at. She was experiencing little growth, but didn’t want to leave. However, as she told me, God is firmly telling her to go to a place that will take her deeper in her walk with Christ and challenge her. Every Sunday, she hears messages on grace and forgiveness. She told me that while these messages were beautiful when she first came to Christ, they no longer are what she needs spiritually. She needs depth – and more time in the Word.
At some point in everyone’s faith, we reach a point of comfort. We don’t want to move, because we as human beings like to feel buttered up and have warm fuzzies in our hearts. Before I continue, I’d like you to ask yourself these questions: Do I consider myself a Christian, a follower of Christ? Do I seek out His word and His will for my life? Why am I, or am I not, going to a certain church? Am I being challenged, convicted, and encouraged in my walk with Christ? As I was saying, we like to stick with what we’re comfortable with, or what we’re used to. However, God doesn’t want us to stay where we feel good. He calls us to live a life for Him, radically, in every aspect of our lives; this includes the church you attend. If you are staying somewhere because it makes you feel good, or because that’s what your family has been doing for 3 generations, you are doing it wrong. Take a look at this verse: “Going on from there He saw two brothers, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in the boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets; and He called them. Immediately they left the boat and their father, and followed Him.” (Matthew 4:21-22) James and John left their comfort zone and followed Him. If you think, “Oh, but that’s different than my situation,” allow me to interrupt your train of thought. Look at these two verses. James and John were in a boat with their dad, mending their nets – this was basically their family business. Their trade was handed down to them through generation after generation. This was their tradition, and all they really knew. (aka Comfort Zone of James and John) So when Jesus calls them, what do they do? Say, “Hang on bro, I’ve got to finish fixing this net”, “I can’t leave this place – it’s all I know. And my family will hate me if I leave!” or “No, man. I can’t go right now. Come back tomorrow when I’ve thought about it”? NO. The verse says, “IMMEDIATELY they left the boat and their father, and followed Him.” This, my friends, is how we are to approach those places in our lives where we feel comfortable. If God is calling for you to go somewhere else, or if you feel the Holy Spirit tugging at you to leave, go. Immediately. Do not stay where you are cozy when God has a plan for your life. His plan always requires compromise, and if you are a true Christian, you must be willing to compromise. Faith isn’t just about grace and forgiveness. Faith must be put into action. Put your faith in God and His perfect plan.No faith is required in staying where it feels safe. 2 Peter 3:18 says, “but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…” Grow. Peter didn’t say sit, sleep, or stay where you are in the grace and knowledge or Christ. He says to grow. Are you growing? If not, God may be calling you to go somewhere else. My family made the tough call many years ago to leave a church we had been a part of for a very long time. It was not easy. People weren’t happy that we left, and my parents received plenty of criticism. However, we knew where God was telling us to go. And we went. This was a completely faith-based decision – faith in God and His plan for our lives. This church helped my family grow spiritually and challenged us to be more like Christ. The Scriptural teaching I received at that church prepared me for many experiences in my life. Leaving your comfort zone and what you’re used to isn’t easy – it’s difficult. Trust God. Trust His plan. Live out your faith. I’d like to share one last thing with you. Remember the mentor I mentioned earlier? She has only been a Christian for 3 years. And she is willing to leave her comfort zone and go to where God is leading her. As what some may call a “baby Christian,” she has already trusted God more than many Christians actually do. She has left her home, her loved ones, and her livelihood. She has turned her business into a ministry as God directed her. And now, as a Christian of 3 years, she is allowing God to yet again take her to another place, and another part of His plan. I challenge you to listen to where God is leading. Is He calling you to go to a different church, a different school, a different job? Or is He calling you to start following His plan? I pray you listen to His voice. Following Christ and trusting His plan has been the most rewarding, challenging, and beautiful experience of my life. Difficult, yes; but I do not regret any of it. -AL Today was stressful. Between exams and government websites, I am feeling frazzled. We all have those days, weeks, months, and even years when we feel that sickening weight on our chests. Stress isn’t fun, and it is one of the most draining things to manage. One of the healthiest things to do for your emotional and physical health is to learn how to manage stress. I’ve decided to give you a compilation of some tips and tricks to manage, decrease, and release stress. Enjoy!
o Exercise: If you’re anything like me, this word makes you want to curl up in a ball, stay in bed, and eat a whole bag of Doritos. I avoid exercise – the word itself tires me. However, it is one of the most beneficial and effective ways to deal with stress. Allow Elle Woods to explain: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot [people], they just don’t!” (Legally Blonde) Don’t have time to go to the gym? Take a walk! It doesn’t even have to be more than 20 minutes. Or, search some quick and easy workouts and yoga stretches on Pinterest/Google. o Music: Getting rid of tension and helping your mind stay positive and calm is very important in stressful situations – music is a great way to do so. Listen to some chill or pump-up playlists in order to stay sane. For some calming artists, I suggest Ed Sheeran, Florance + the Machine, For King and Country, Of Monsters and Men, and Vance Joy. As for artists to energize you, I typically turn to Rachel Platten, Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy, and any catchy song with a upbeat tempo (Fifth Harmony, anyone?). If you want a relatable song during your stressful day, look no further than Twenty One Pilots. They’ve got you covered. o Clean: This one might sound a bit odd, but keeping your work environment organized/somewhat tidy actually helps. Even if you need to spend five minutes shoving thing into a drawer or under your bed, do it. This helps “declutter” your mind as well as your environment. o Sleep: Your body NEEDS sleep in order to function. One cannot live on coffee alone. As long as your schedule permits, try to get a solid 7-8 hours of sleep. o Eat: Eat clean(er) foods. Stress-eating is so easy to do, but try your best to avoid it. Eating fruit, vegetables, and drinking water gives you more energy and a better attention span to get through your hectic day. Look in to taking some vitamins to boost your energy, as well. However, if you’re starting to feel depressed due to your crazy day, eat the dang chocolate bar. o Relax: One of the top things psychologists suggest for a stressful life is to take time to do something you love. Whether that’s painting pottery or playing a sport, spend a bit of time doing what makes you happy. If you don’t have time to go out and do something, read a chapter in a good book, watch funny animal videos on YouTube (if you need any suggestions, I have plenty), or go outside to get some fresh air. o Other: Some random other things I personally find to help calm down and deal with stress/anxiety are burning yummy-scented candles, wearing comfy clothes, taking a shower, stretching, journaling, painting, playing guitar, drinking tea, and petting cats. Keep in mind that every single point above can help every-day-life, as well as the stressful days. Have a lovely day! AL Want another good read? Check out: http://clara-beautyineverything.blogspot.com/2014/06/10-things-ive-learned-and-am-still.html Follow the Blog! Instagram: @adelightedmind |
AuthorI'm a college student with a passion to empower women, spread the love of Christ, and speak truth into the darkness. I also really like cats and Taylor Swift. Archives
October 2018
Categories
All
|